Conversations with new clients often provoke an exasperated comment, ‘I don’t know how to discuss hoarding with them’. This is often because the two parties are not on the same page. Our decades of experience has taught us that hoarders take a firm stance, and don’t budge easily from their position.
Hoarders Have Stubborn Resistance to Change
Hoarding is triggered by a subconscious yearning after a significant event such as a grievous loss. The deep-seated behaviour may help relieve the anxiety and pain. You may have pondered where this photo of cannonballs fits on our website. Allow us a few moments to explain.
We can imagine emotions in a hierarchy if we prefer. The most visible feelings at the top of the list are joy and trust we can safely stimulate among others. However, if we tamper with deep-seated fear and sadness we do so at our peril, because of the risk of triggering an emotionally explosive response.
Soldiers and sailors did not want heavy cannonballs rolling around in the heat of battle. And so they stacked them in pyramids within triangular frames. They knew to take the balls from the top of the stacks. Because if they disturbed them at a lower level they could have balls rolling all over the place.
Emotions work the same way. Part of the key to knowing how to discuss hoarding involves understanding how defensive hoarders are. Although once again this happens at a subconscious level, with the outward sign a frustrating resistance to change.
Opening a Discussion About Hoarding
We need to counter this resistance to change, when broaching the subject of the conditions of hoarders homes. Research confirms again and again how important this is:
- Never appear to openly judge a hoarder, for what they do comes naturally to them. After all, how would you feel if someone entered your home and commented what a mess it was in.
- Everybody is proud of their possessions, no matter how humble they may seem to others. Once again, a thoughtless uncaring remark may shut the conversation down.
- We could make the same mistake by expressing our feelings through expressions or gestures. There’s little point in starting an argument or insisting about anything controversial.
- Touching, or picking up something in a hoarder’s collection is not how to discuss hoarding with them either. This could trigger a possessive outburst, and close the door to further discussion.
There is no quick-fix to hoarding that we know of. Our many year’s experience of clearing hoarded houses taught us that hoarders have rights, and will claim them too!
How To Discuss Hoarding Tactfully for Success
How would you feel if you were in the hoarder’s shoes, and someone challenged you? Feelings of anger, frustration, resentment, and embarrassment would probably well up in your heart. You need to learn to row the boat together, and not upset the balance between you and your hoarder.
How could you say this about me, they might ask, as they showed you the door and slammed it shut. Here are a few tips for avoiding getting into this situation.
- Adopt the hoarder’s vocabulary so they identify with you. If they call their hoarded items ‘my things,’ then call them ‘your things’ in future.
- Give positive feedback as in ‘I’m glad you kept passages open. Could we make them a little wider so I could carry these things through’.
- Focus on the hoarder’s strengths to reinforce the relationship, so you build their confidence, not break it down.
Never try to force things on a hoarder unless you have tried everything else first. Limit your first few visits to neutral conversations and building trust. Later you can introduce health and safety issues, so clearing their hoarded house becomes the logical things to do.
Avery Associates Are House Clearance Specialists
You now have a good idea how to discuss hoarding behaviour with a family member or friend. We can’t guarantee your success though. Either way you may need help to clear the accumulated clutter. Avery Associates are here to help with a challenging task that may be beyond your ability.
We hold Waste Carriers Certificate CBDU486856 from the Department for Environment Food and Rural Affairs. This binds us to respecting the environment, and acting legally at all times. We established our business as professional valuers in 1978, serving the City and Greater London Area.
We are well connected in the community, and know how to spot real collectible value that others may overlook or purloin. Our skilled staff sift through hoarded houses in great detail and advise clients accordingly.
We never know what to expect beforehand, at least until we have had a decent look. Please call Freephone 0800 567 7769 or Head Office 0208 640 00 44 for a free quote.
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