Helping a Hoarder Cope
People with hoarding disorder have a lifetime attachment to their belongings, which makes it difficult for them to discard these things. As a result, they collect more and more things, until their living conditions become cluttered, unsafe, and even unsanitary. Most of their friends have no idea what to do. We wrote this post about how to help a hoarder, in case you are one of those friends.
How to Know Your Hoarder Friend Needs Help
Most of us tend to let things pile up in the house, until we know we need a spring clean. Hoarders never seem to reach that point, unless they realize they need help from their friends. You may want to help your hoarder cope, if their accumulated clutter makes it difficult for them to use their home normally, and it starts becoming unsanitary.
If their friends and family allow this situation to continue, then they may become embarrassed about the dirt themselves. They may no longer feel comfortable about inviting you into their home. You need to do something about this, before you lose touch with a situation, which could deteriorate like this if the trend continues.
How to Approach a Situation Like That
It’s extremely important to realize that you can’t force your hoarder to change. Wait until you have an opportunity. Then explain that you share their struggle, and are keen to help your hoarder cope. Here are a few tips to get you started:
- Understand how hoarding works, and that it’s not your friend’s personal choice or failing. Realize they are trapped in a downward spiral, that’s partly beyond their own control.
- Cleveland Clinic urges you to choose your words carefully. Avoid referring to their possessions as junk, rubbish, or trash. Use the same words as your friend does, for example ‘collection’ or ‘things’.
- Whatever else you do, do not attack their lifestyle head on. Describe the situation objectively, focusing on aspects of health and safety, and being able to use the rooms as they should. Offer to help them restore some order.
- Keep the conversation positive. Avoid arguing, judging, and insisting they do certain things. Never start removing the clutter yourself. Remember that your hoarder has a deep affection for their possessions.
When You Point a Finger at Someone …
When you point a finger at someone, three others point back towards you. If you want to know how to help a hoarder, then begin by studying your own responses. Did you ever imagine that perhaps you could be part of the problem? Take a step back and explore your own actions …
- Are you perhaps encouraging your friend’s hoarding by shopping with them, or scavenging at junk sales together.
- Are you providing spill-over storage at your own home, or even paying for extra storage space at a depot.
- Do not help your hoarder out by cleaning and tidying their home, and gathering their accumulation in one room.
- Be realistic about you want your hoarder to do about the chaos. Perhaps you should be content if they tidy up.
How to Help a Hoarder Without Causing Stress
If you press a hoarder’s buttons too hard, there’s a good chance they will ‘retire to their chaotic castle, and pull up the drawbridge’, breaking contact. Therefore it follows you need to avoid stress, and resolve any conflict in a positive way.
Attempting to persuade a hoarder to change their ways can generate interpersonal tension. The hoarder can respond in similar fashion, as you both enter a downward spiral of negative behaviour. Try to remain in the present moment and keep your inner calm.
Do your best to deflect conflict in a positive way, for it will crop up from time to time. Either one of you might accidentally cause emotional pain to the other. This will overshadow negotiations. You will never stop a hoarder hoarding, at the best you can manage it.
Don’t allow hoarding to dominate the conversation. Focus on your friendship, and find other things to speak about. Avoid isolating your hoarder at all costs. You may be their only friend, so keep the social interaction flowing as you plan improvements together.
Set reasonable, achievable goals that reduce the overall impact of the hoarding, by gradually reducing the clutter. Keep the vibe positive, and the mood uplifting. Life should be fun, and surely that includes decluttering a home too.
When you are ready, why not give Avery Associates a call to remove some of the clutter you have isolated together. We offer a confidential house-clearing service, where we go through contents carefully, and sift out anything of value.
We even prepare the rest for recycling and deliver it to the council depot, so you’ll know we disposed of what you no longer wanted, responsibly.
