Compulsive hoarding affects millions of people right around the globe. Between 2% and 6% of adults struggle with hoarding in England alone. Helping a compulsive hoarder with respect can make a big difference, but we do need to know how to do so with love.
Most hoarders in England never seek treatment for their condition. Many of them do not even believe they have a problem. This denial makes it difficult for friends to intervene. A true friend respects their right to independence and privacy.
1. Respecting a Hoarder’s Right to Dignity
The most effective approach acknowledges their human rights, safety, and dignity. Respect comes first, because hoarders do not deliberately choose their lifestyle.
And besides, we all have a right to decide how we live in our home, provided this does not interfere with the rights of others. Forced clean-ups can make the situation far worse, by increasing anxiety and accelerating re-hoarding.
2. Helping a Compulsive Hoarder Trust Us
The starting point when helping a compulsive hoarder is respecting their right to make their own decisions. A messy home is not a crime. We cannot force our friend to clean their house or see a psychiatrist. Trust is more valuable than tidiness, surely?
3. Build Trust Before Talking About Clutter
Hoarders quite often feel ashamed, isolated, or misunderstood, after well-meaning friends and family criticize them. Don’t take a similar approach. Rather invite them out for coffee, or visit them from time-to time.
Ideally you want to include your hoarding friend in your everyday activities, but building trust takes time. Loneliness is a powerful trigger for compulsive hoarding, according to this authoritative health provider.
Moving Forward With Respect
Building a person-to-person relationship is a key step to helping a compulsive hoarder. Maintain their respect for you by avoiding direct confrontation.
Try a gentle approach instead, by asking questions like ‘would you like me to help you tidy the kitchen’. Between the lines you are actually saying, ‘I care and I respect your choices’. This helps keep trust between you alive.
1. Focus on Safety, Not Clearing Away Clutter
You have no right to tell a hoarder to tidy their home, just because you don’t like it the way it is. However, you do have a duty to care for their safety, as a friend. Here are a few practical examples:
- You could point out that entering and leaving the home is difficult.
- You could test the fire alarms, and clear things away from heaters.
National Fire Protection Association advises that hoarded homes pose significantly higher fire risks. These come mainly from blocked exits and combustible materials.
2. Respect Your Hoarder’s Personal Possessions
Remember to ask permission before you throw anything away, while helping a compulsive hoarder with respect. They may have a strong emotional attachment to something you consider trash. A thoughtless act could increase the rate at which they accumulate clutter.
3. Take Small Steps Not Giant Leaps
If your friend volunteers that they need help without any pressure from you, then remember that real progress often happens slowly. Focus on one small area at a time. Like a table surface, a single drawer or a pile of papers.
Every small step builds confidence, and the words, ‘yes we can do it’. Baby steps are easier than giant leaps. Gradual change is more likely to last than a dramatic clear-out. Don’t criticise failures. Celebrate small victories.
When There Is Danger, Speak Out
But what do you do, if your efforts to help a compulsive hoarder with respect go nowhere? If the clutter is just piled up untidily, perhaps you should back off and leave things there.
What if the hoarded home still has blocked exits, trip hazards, pests, mould, and piles of stuff that could fall over and hurt someone? Should a true friend back away, or say: ‘I’m worried about your safety. Can we make a few small changes so you can move around more easily?’
The World Health Organization believes we should only take a stronger lead to prevent harm or injury. Our goal is to preserve our hoarder friend’s safety and dignity, not threaten their independence.
Offering the Right Kind of Help
If your hoarder friend accepts that changes are needed for the sake of their safety and security, then this provides an opportunity to help a compulsive hoarder with respect.
Depending on the circumstances, you may suggest consulting a therapist, or joining a peer support group. However, this may not be necessary if your friend is prepared to start decluttering with your help.
Once again, the principles are consent, collaboration, and cooperation. You are not trying to change their whole life or erase their memories of the past.
Provide loving support without losing yourself. Be kind and consistent, help only when invited, prioritise safety, and maintain your own boundaries. Your friend trusts you now, because you allow them to make their own decisions.
A Quick Commercial, If We May
Avery Associates provides two support services that may come in handy, if the sheer volume of hoarding daunts you. If you need help, ask us to clear away the clutter. We’ll be here for you when you need us, and you can trust us to leave your friend’s home spotlessly clean.
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