Embarrassment can be described as a self conscious feeling of shame, or of feeling guilty of doing something wrong. But this term goes further than just that. It’s a negative self-judgement applying to our entire self concept. Embarrassment over hoarding clutter can drive a hoarder deeper into themselves, to the extent they withdraw from society.
Recovering a sense of self-worth is an essential step towards moving on from compulsive hoarding, and returning to society. We hope this article helps hoarders and their loved ones understand the drivers of this condition, and learn how to manage the urge.
Feeling Embarrassed Over Collecting Clutter
Hoarding disorder, also known as compulsive hoarding, is a recognized clinical condition. The outward signs that others see, include persistent difficulty discarding possessions leading to excessive clutter.
But deep down inside, people with hoarding disorder may feel there is something actually wrong with them. They may keep this embarrassment to themselves, while at the same time feel bad about how they compare to generally accepted social norms.
Sources of Shame Among Compulsive Hoarders
Embarrassment, shame, loss of face, call it what you like, wells up inside a hoarder. It is not imposed on them by others, but it does not arise out of nowhere.
Several mental processes can contribute to what could become a ‘perfect storm’:
- Self-criticism and shame can negatively affect beliefs about self, and lead to embarrassment over hoarding behaviour and clutter. Hoarders can believe there is something wrong with them, and their fear of losing possessions.
- Hoarders often collect clutter that links them to their identity, memories, security, or other types of ‘comfort blankets’. These items become part of themselves. Letting go of them is like losing part of their self. Negative criticism by others can also make them feel ashamed.
- Compulsive hoarding often surfaces after a person has experienced severe trauma, that leaves emotional scars. Acute embarrassment over hoarding clutter can undermine self-worth, resulting in a cycle where shame fuels hoarding and hoarding reinforces shame.
And finally, we should not forget that we internalize criticism by others, so it becomes a ‘self fulfilling prophecy’. If a hoarder adopts other people’s views about themself as their own, they can enter a phase of negative self-criticism, and acute personal shame too.
The Nuts and Bolts of Shame in Hoarding
Several factors can trigger acute embarrassment over clutter in a hoarder’s home. The first of these is when others see it, and comment negatively, sometimes even aggressively, during a person-to-person confrontation.
However, sometimes the trigger can actually be internal, when a hoarder judges themself against the way other people live. This can lead to a sense of self-perceived failure to meet the same standard.
Acute shame and embarrassment over hoarding clutter can develop on its own, when a hoarder reflects on how their hoarding has caused family conflict, and perhaps the loss of contact with friends.
How Shame Drives Away Help
Shame is not just something we try to live with. It can actively stand in the way of seeking help, and engaging with hoarding therapy. A hoarder may be so acutely embarrassed about their clinical condition, that they deliberately avoid it or withdraw prematurely.
How to Address Embarrassment Over Hoarding
We can deal with emotional and behavioural shame, although we may need outside help to overcome it. A compulsive hoarder may find help through several treatment pathways:
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps individuals identify and challenge shame-based thoughts, and replace these with balanced, compassionate self-statements. CBT also teaches practical sorting, decision-making, and discarding skills too.
- Compassion-focused therapy explicitly targets self-criticism and shame. It helps patients imagine themselves as if they were helping a friend. The real hoarder develops new skills relating to self-kindness and emotional control.
Moving on from these therapeutic support measures, allows a hoarder to gently let go of their past, as their fear and shame fade in the presence of real success.
This is the point where non-judgmental support groups can reduce isolation and self-stigma further. Hearing others talk about shame and recovery, reduces the sense of ‘I am the only one.’
Moving On and Coping Better With Hoarding
Let’s not kid ourselves, once a hoarder always a hoarder. Although with therapy a hoarder should be able to manage their urges better. Hopefully, they will learn that hoarding is a treatable condition, rather than a moral flaw.
In summary then, and to pull the threads together, embarrassment over hoarding clutter is a self-directed, negative emotional experience, tied to beliefs about personal defects, stigma, and failure to control possessions.
This persona develops as a result of self-criticism, previous traumatic experiences, and judgment by others that highlight clutter as personal inadequacy.
This shame can be countered through structured therapeutic approaches that build self-compassion, re-frame beliefs, and develop practical skills. In the right hands, these strategies can help individuals move on from shame, through understanding, to recovery.
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